Dear Underpant Manufacturers (in particular, Bonds)

Something perplexes me and, after a straw poll of my Mother’s Group, it seems I’m not alone. Why don’t your underpant sizes correspond to standard women’s clothing sizes? Why do I comfortably fit into a size 10-12 in clothes, but have to buy size 14 underpants? Why would you do this to women, who like to feel slender at all times? If you were going to go one way or the other, why wouldn’t you choose to have us think our behinds have shrunk? This would be fine from our point of view. But not the reverse, thank you very much.

OK I’ve outed myself. No I don’t wear sexy g-bangers ALL the time. They’re completely inappropriate for going down a slide at a park, trampolining or singing ‘Let it Go’ 94 times a day with actions included. I’ll admit I’m quite a fan of the full brief. But I’d prefer to be wearing a pair that corresponds to my clothing size. I mean talk about kicking a girl when she’s down. Shopping for underwear is in the same category as shopping for jeans or swimwear – a necessary evil made a thousand times worse if you’re forced to do it with small people in tow.

Have I tried the size that corresponds to my dress size? Yes I have and how should I put this delicately? There is simply not sufficient coverage. Cool young things clearly don’t mind those briefs that are brief indeed – where they pay full price for what is really only half a pair of undies. But not me – I’m a mum so I want:

1) total comfort and practicality (see list of activities above) and

2) a full and complete pair of knickers. I spend my days pulling my clothes up non-stop – my top back on properly after children tug at it for my attention and jeans up after finishing some sort of floor craft or activity. So I really don’t want to have to rescue my undies as well!

And as for my poor husband, he doesn’t stand a chance. After years of training, he has learnt to play it safe when buying me clothes and always goes for a size smaller than he thinks I actually am. And purchasing underwear for your wife takes things to a whole new level fraught with all sort of danger. So if he was to buy me a pair of undies for a special occasion, there is no way he would opt for the size UP! No man in their right mind would do that, given what they no doubt have in mind as a thank you for said underwear purchase.

Thank you for your time underpant manufacturers. I will continue to buy your product out of necessity but I do feel better getting this off my chest.

Kind regards,

A mum who just desperately wants to fit into a pair of undies that corresponds to my dress size.

PS – This feedback is specific to women’s underwear only. In fact, a friendly suggestion would be to definitely apply your warped women’s sizing to men’s underwear – pretty sure they’d be more than fine with that! What man who is technically a medium wouldn’t want to be a large down there?

PPS – Unfortunately, in no way am I, or anyone I know, affiliated with the bottom used to advertise this article.

PPPS I still love you Bonds. You’re by far my favourite underwear brand xxx