So I’m just going to say it upfront. I won’t do yoga because I’m afraid that I’ll fart during the class. There, I said it. I know, juvenile right? I’ve given birth to two beautiful babies, which required me to leave every ounce of my dignity at the door. And I can hear some of you saying, ‘For crying out loud, it’s just a fart, it’s a normal bodily function. !’ But you will never get me downward dogging on one of those mats because of it.
The whole thought of bending my body into a particular pose which results in air escaping from any orifice of my body horrifies me. Yes, of course I’ve passed wind during a highly intensive exercise class in the past but the loud music is your friend. And if it smells there is usually some bloke in the room, so it’s easy to pass it off as him. Or if a little one accidentally slips out in the supermarket, you can usually hurry into another aisle before anyone clocks anything. But with yoga, there is no escape.
And my fear goes further. It’s not just the fear of embarrassing myself. I’m afraid of laughing uncontrollably if someone else does it. See, once I start laughing I can’t stop. Hysterical, inappropriate, immature laughter. The kind of laughter you couldn’t control sometimes when you got in trouble at school. 20 years has made no difference.
And don’t say I’m worried about nothing. My good friend validated my fears when she relayed the following story to me. She was in an uber cool yoga class many years ago when yoga was just entering the mainstream. And she did it, she farted. But it gets worse, if that’s possible. It was a fanny fart. One of those ones where it doesn’t matter how hard you squeeze, it ain’t going to stop it. And, like me, she’s an uncontrollable giggler. She couldn’t stop herself. End result – she was asked to leave the class. 15 years have passed and she’s still giggling about it.
I have no doubt that yoga would be really beneficial for me. I need some downtime to just focus and relax and I need to improve my flexibility. Unfortunately though I just can’t bring myself to do it. So my yoga career is over before it even began!
Can you relate or am I just being ridiculous?
